Unsafe.

khan

 

Most of the times when we get hurt, we shut off. No way will the world get to know I am hurt. Not because I am strong..but because I am so weak to accept that someone has the power to hurt me, to pinch me, to unintentionally or intentionally hurt my fragile, over sensitive heart.

I say – never give that power to someone. But then, we get close to people. Closer to a few… and closest to one. These are the ones who are most probable to meet that part of you that you hide so well from the world.

“Are you ok?”

“I am fine.”

These people would know you’re not fine. And I still don’t know if that’s a blessing.

For I am a little too arrogant to accept that anyone in the world has the power to hurt me. I am still closed, I am still not ready to accept that love is unconditional. I am still cynical. I am still protecting myself.

But afraid I am fuckin unsafe now. 

Blur.

It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.

I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)

I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.

Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.

To come back again. 

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Unaffected.

The money situation is funny. I have a shit load of pending edits. I have a few assignments, use one hand’s fingers to count. I am not taking phone calls by prospective clients. Or the “when are you paying the bill?“, calls by the phone company. I feel I have gained a kilo but I am not checking. Actually, I am sure about that! And a close friend recently turned into a hater. I am proudly walking around with a funny haircut. I am not buying any new clothes this winter. I have made a few mistakes this year. I have learnt some lessons the hard way. I have met some selfish fucks.

BUT….

I am not affected. And I am good with that.

golden-4

I am living with faith in my heart. I am smiling and that is all that counts. I feel I am in love, with myself and people around. With the ones who admire me, with the ones who dislike me to the core, with the ones who curse me, with the ones who made me smile and now hope I cry….. and with the ones who made me cry and now pray for my smile…