Blur.

It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.

I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)

I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.

Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.

To come back again. 

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Sloshed, in love.

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shot by him
Do you make a wish when you see 11:11?
I do.
Do you randomly send a “thank you” into the void?
I do.
Do you sometimes feel afraid of your happiness?
I…do, too.
Do you sing when you are alone?
Of course I do.
Did you let go of people who couldn’t stay..?
I did.
Do you wish them well..? Please do.
Do you miss them..?
No one is replaceable.
Do you feel insecure….fear attachments?
I do..
Naive, yet cynical.
Suspicious, yet gullible.
It does get a bit much at times, being human.
But for now….. all I want to do is TRUST.
Trust the answer to my 11:11 wishes.
Trust that the void has been filled with stars and flowers.
Trust I have no reason to feel afraid.
that my tuneless songs are loved..
trust the ones, who left, still love me,
trust the ones who stayed – will forever do.
Sloshed, in love.
xoxo.
D

Unaffected.

The money situation is funny. I have a shit load of pending edits. I have a few assignments, use one hand’s fingers to count. I am not taking phone calls by prospective clients. Or the “when are you paying the bill?“, calls by the phone company. I feel I have gained a kilo but I am not checking. Actually, I am sure about that! And a close friend recently turned into a hater. I am proudly walking around with a funny haircut. I am not buying any new clothes this winter. I have made a few mistakes this year. I have learnt some lessons the hard way. I have met some selfish fucks.

BUT….

I am not affected. And I am good with that.

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I am living with faith in my heart. I am smiling and that is all that counts. I feel I am in love, with myself and people around. With the ones who admire me, with the ones who dislike me to the core, with the ones who curse me, with the ones who made me smile and now hope I cry….. and with the ones who made me cry and now pray for my smile…