Lover.

There are times when you make love to the keyboard and then there are times when you just punch keys. Today seems to be the latter.

Oh My God, though. I have a load inside my head, it’s like a diarrhea of thoughts (excuse the analogy!) dying to be poured on paper but then, everything wants to come out at the same time.

Breathe, my dear thoughts. You need to be channelized.

Agenda of the day, everyday: Amaze yourself. I did yesterday. I had a moment when I felt proud of myself..I also had a moment when I pissed myself off. But then, that keeps happening, me and my alter ego have this special relationship. Murderous….one of us has to go. Or maybe we can find a way to live together. Only if the one who lives outside my body can deal with her.

I must name her something..I keep bringing her up, she is showing up very often too. What do we call her? The child that she is… I love her. I would call her Lover.

Welcome Lover. We can talk here.

INTOYOULENSFLARE

 

“That feeling called home”

Hold on tight to that person who gives you the feeling of being at home. I got lucky and met someone just like that. I call him my best friend, someone I laugh with, show my tears to, well – you can say I am unguarded when he is around and that is my freedom. I do act beyond stupid all the time and he is crazy enough to appreciate that and love me more for all the madness. There are times when we get a little serious and talk about life and somehow he brings a funny twist to the conversation and I just wonder how he does that so easily. There are times I scream at him, am rude beyond belief and throw tantrums – he pauses for a second, looks at me, gives me a look… and cracks a joke or breaks into a dance – right in the middle of the road.

I can’t help but laugh.

I feel… God has his amazing ways. I know he is making up to me.

I know what you’re doing God. Thank you!!! When I was crying, I never asked you why. I knew it. I knew there was a reason. This is the reason…

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V and I

 

Coming back to life.

I was having a quick chat with my close friend on WhatsApp. Yah, unfortunately that is where we get together because we don’t have the luxury to see each other in school every second day anymore.. but then, if I look back – we weren’t really close when we met each other 5 days of the week. It was only after going separate ways for a few years that we got close. How strange.

Anyway.

She was encouraging me to do something that I have barely even thought about, not even dreamt about – because 1) I underestimate myself, 2) I am directionless, 3) I like being lost

But I have aspirations close to what she suggested and I have vague dreams about seeing myself doing something like that. She also shared a very nice video on the Law of Attraction. Now I am a big believer in that since more than an year now and that is how I brought a lot of changes in my life. But a few months back,  I deviated from the track and got lost again.

Off late though, I have noticed how I am getting to see, read, come across all the things that I seriously need to inculcate. It’s like the universe helping me out because – trust me, what you seek is seeking you. And I have been seeking help – if not out loud but deep within, talking to myself, looking for answers, looking for a way – a hint, a sign, a direction to walk into.

And I feel…..I kind of see a light….

Exactly how I did, last year.

The hazy scene is sort of taking a shape of an idea that will come into a life form soon.

Thanks, friend.

Oh, in other news, this one’s finally getting over. Phew! What a long read it was. One word – BORING. No depth in the story.. just sex. But I can’t leave a book half-read. Obviously. So yeah, it’s almost over and I have a few lined up to read & this time, I will be quicker. Because as someone said, there are too many nice books out there to waste your time on trashy ones.

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Blur.

It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.

I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)

I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.

Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.

To come back again. 

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Unaffected.

The money situation is funny. I have a shit load of pending edits. I have a few assignments, use one hand’s fingers to count. I am not taking phone calls by prospective clients. Or the “when are you paying the bill?“, calls by the phone company. I feel I have gained a kilo but I am not checking. Actually, I am sure about that! And a close friend recently turned into a hater. I am proudly walking around with a funny haircut. I am not buying any new clothes this winter. I have made a few mistakes this year. I have learnt some lessons the hard way. I have met some selfish fucks.

BUT….

I am not affected. And I am good with that.

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I am living with faith in my heart. I am smiling and that is all that counts. I feel I am in love, with myself and people around. With the ones who admire me, with the ones who dislike me to the core, with the ones who curse me, with the ones who made me smile and now hope I cry….. and with the ones who made me cry and now pray for my smile…