My God is pretty cool :)

Today, on the 18th of July..the wedding photographer has finally sought a quote for her own wedding’s photography.

Happens to be exactly one year after the day she first met the man she is getting married to. 18th of July, 2016.

Who would have thought that this ‘casual date’ when we met over drinks and pizza, would lead us to a wedding – our own wedding.

Pretty cool, ain’t it?

That strange feeling

You don’t fall in love one day. You keep on falling, throughout your life together, as days pass, as you grow, as you get to know each other better.

I told him I had fallen for him, a few months ago. I hardly knew him then the way I do now, neither did he. We just had a feeling that this is it. That this person is the one.

I keep saying random I love yous as I feel it.

And in March this year we got engaged.

But just a few days ago, I was doing something in the kitchen… a song playing in the background, mindlessly chopping the veggies… and I felt something strong and strange, all of a sudden. I felt I was in love. Like really, really in love. Even more than the day before.

And I realized that love does not happen one fine day. It does not even come and go; it stays. It’s a feeling that has it’s own mind, moods and days – good and bad, high and low. There is love in indifference, there is love in crankiness, there is love in anger and there is love in lust. There is love in pride, there is love in jealousy, there is love in the separation.

And I know, over the coming years, I will come across these strange feelings again and again – for him. Because I will keep getting to know him better, every day. And he will keep making me believe that I am capable of this thing called love. To love and to be loved. The crux of me.

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Unhide, please.

I hide. I feel safer when I hide myself. Safe in my comfort zone. But over time, it has hit me hard – the comfort zone actually turns out to be one of the most uncomfortable places in the world. So much so that I want to scream at myself sometimes for being unfair, for not letting myself be out there, for dismissing thoughts assuming – who will be even interested? Am I being overbearing? Am I overdoing it? Am I looking flashy? Am I coming across as a show-off? Should I tone it down? Am I offending anybody?

Well, that’s where you go wrong. When they come in the picture. When their notions about you become the priority and the deciding factor. When you stop yourself from expressing yourself because of your own insecurities and assumed ideas about how people would take it. So wrong. It is not your job to wonder what people would think. Your job is just to be you.

Break the box. Stop caring about them. Everybody is meant to shine. Everybody is a diamond. Seek to sparkle and you shall. 😘

1ds
and take loads of drunk selfies! 😉

Coming back to life.

I was having a quick chat with my close friend on WhatsApp. Yah, unfortunately that is where we get together because we don’t have the luxury to see each other in school every second day anymore.. but then, if I look back – we weren’t really close when we met each other 5 days of the week. It was only after going separate ways for a few years that we got close. How strange.

Anyway.

She was encouraging me to do something that I have barely even thought about, not even dreamt about – because 1) I underestimate myself, 2) I am directionless, 3) I like being lost

But I have aspirations close to what she suggested and I have vague dreams about seeing myself doing something like that. She also shared a very nice video on the Law of Attraction. Now I am a big believer in that since more than an year now and that is how I brought a lot of changes in my life. But a few months back,  I deviated from the track and got lost again.

Off late though, I have noticed how I am getting to see, read, come across all the things that I seriously need to inculcate. It’s like the universe helping me out because – trust me, what you seek is seeking you. And I have been seeking help – if not out loud but deep within, talking to myself, looking for answers, looking for a way – a hint, a sign, a direction to walk into.

And I feel…..I kind of see a light….

Exactly how I did, last year.

The hazy scene is sort of taking a shape of an idea that will come into a life form soon.

Thanks, friend.

Oh, in other news, this one’s finally getting over. Phew! What a long read it was. One word – BORING. No depth in the story.. just sex. But I can’t leave a book half-read. Obviously. So yeah, it’s almost over and I have a few lined up to read & this time, I will be quicker. Because as someone said, there are too many nice books out there to waste your time on trashy ones.

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I love you, too.

Exchanging an I love you before hanging up the call is all good, but the ones that come mid-sentence while the other one is still talking are all heart. I love those. And I give those.

I believe, we must say it when we want to. Same goes for the hugs and kisses.

Express, just express yourself.

 

Keep doing it.

That look on their faces, the glint in the eye… when they talk about what they are passionate about.

It could be any damn thing – nothing is big or small. The thing you are passionate about is the biggest in your universe. Others may not get it, not your concern. Don`t even bother explaining it. If it’s making you any money or not, who gives a damn, it feeds your soul right… that’s all that counts.

 

Unsafe.

khan

 

Most of the times when we get hurt, we shut off. No way will the world get to know I am hurt. Not because I am strong..but because I am so weak to accept that someone has the power to hurt me, to pinch me, to unintentionally or intentionally hurt my fragile, over sensitive heart.

I say – never give that power to someone. But then, we get close to people. Closer to a few… and closest to one. These are the ones who are most probable to meet that part of you that you hide so well from the world.

“Are you ok?”

“I am fine.”

These people would know you’re not fine. And I still don’t know if that’s a blessing.

For I am a little too arrogant to accept that anyone in the world has the power to hurt me. I am still closed, I am still not ready to accept that love is unconditional. I am still cynical. I am still protecting myself.

But afraid I am fuckin unsafe now. 

Blur.

It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.

I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)

I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.

Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.

To come back again. 

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