kya kabhi savera laata hai andhera?
There are times when you make love to the keyboard and then there are times when you just punch keys. Today seems to be the latter.
Oh My God, though. I have a load inside my head, it’s like a diarrhea of thoughts (excuse the analogy!) dying to be poured on paper but then, everything wants to come out at the same time.
Breathe, my dear thoughts. You need to be channelized.
Agenda of the day, everyday: Amaze yourself. I did yesterday. I had a moment when I felt proud of myself..I also had a moment when I pissed myself off. But then, that keeps happening, me and my alter ego have this special relationship. Murderous….one of us has to go. Or maybe we can find a way to live together. Only if the one who lives outside my body can deal with her.
I must name her something..I keep bringing her up, she is showing up very often too. What do we call her? The child that she is… I love her. I would call her Lover.
Welcome Lover. We can talk here.
It’s a weekend of birthday parties for me. Friday was a baby’s first and the theme was blue. As soon as someone invites you to a party with a theme, you mentally scan your entire wardrobe in a flash of a second and come to the conclusion that you have no clothes because the dresses in blue are hanging in the “will wear when i lose some weight’ corner. Life officially sucks. I am not a very “let’s dress up / what’s my OOTD??” kind of a person anyway. But wait a second, dig deeper, something definitely comes to the rescue. And it’s nice to make an effort sometimes. Now, blue is pretty darn easy! But when it comes to me – I have an issue with something on any given day. Yesterday, the issue (just as common as the theme) was weight 😀 But we managed. Me and my 59.5 kgs (as checked this morning, it was 60.5 last week, so I am happy anyway. The target is me being pretty fuckin ambitious but whatever – you can do anything and all that jazz.)
Let me share what I wore.
Someone loved it too *winkwink*
Please leave a comment and let me know what you think?? :*
Phases. Flowers ❤ I love them – around me, on me. They make me smile…
I hide. I feel safer when I hide myself. Safe in my comfort zone. But over time, it has hit me hard – the comfort zone actually turns out to be one of the most uncomfortable places in the world. So much so that I want to scream at myself sometimes for being unfair, for not letting myself be out there, for dismissing thoughts assuming – who will be even interested? Am I being overbearing? Am I overdoing it? Am I looking flashy? Am I coming across as a show-off? Should I tone it down? Am I offending anybody?
Well, that’s where you go wrong. When they come in the picture. When their notions about you become the priority and the deciding factor. When you stop yourself from expressing yourself because of your own insecurities and assumed ideas about how people would take it. So wrong. It is not your job to wonder what people would think. Your job is just to be you.
Break the box. Stop caring about them. Everybody is meant to shine. Everybody is a diamond. Seek to sparkle and you shall. 😘
I was having a quick chat with my close friend on WhatsApp. Yah, unfortunately that is where we get together because we don’t have the luxury to see each other in school every second day anymore.. but then, if I look back – we weren’t really close when we met each other 5 days of the week. It was only after going separate ways for a few years that we got close. How strange.
She was encouraging me to do something that I have barely even thought about, not even dreamt about – because 1) I underestimate myself, 2) I am directionless, 3) I like being lost
But I have aspirations close to what she suggested and I have vague dreams about seeing myself doing something like that. She also shared a very nice video on the Law of Attraction. Now I am a big believer in that since more than an year now and that is how I brought a lot of changes in my life. But a few months back, I deviated from the track and got lost again.
Off late though, I have noticed how I am getting to see, read, come across all the things that I seriously need to inculcate. It’s like the universe helping me out because – trust me, what you seek is seeking you. And I have been seeking help – if not out loud but deep within, talking to myself, looking for answers, looking for a way – a hint, a sign, a direction to walk into.
And I feel…..I kind of see a light….
Exactly how I did, last year.
The hazy scene is sort of taking a shape of an idea that will come into a life form soon.
Oh, in other news, this one’s finally getting over. Phew! What a long read it was. One word – BORING. No depth in the story.. just sex. But I can’t leave a book half-read. Obviously. So yeah, it’s almost over and I have a few lined up to read & this time, I will be quicker. Because as someone said, there are too many nice books out there to waste your time on trashy ones.
Most of the times when we get hurt, we shut off. No way will the world get to know I am hurt. Not because I am strong..but because I am so weak to accept that someone has the power to hurt me, to pinch me, to unintentionally or intentionally hurt my fragile, over sensitive heart.
I say – never give that power to someone. But then, we get close to people. Closer to a few… and closest to one. These are the ones who are most probable to meet that part of you that you hide so well from the world.
“Are you ok?”
“I am fine.”
These people would know you’re not fine. And I still don’t know if that’s a blessing.
For I am a little too arrogant to accept that anyone in the world has the power to hurt me. I am still closed, I am still not ready to accept that love is unconditional. I am still cynical. I am still protecting myself.
But afraid I am fuckin unsafe now.
It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.
I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)
I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.
Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.
To come back again.
There is a good hair day and there is a bad hair day… and then, there is a FUCKALL hair day and that’s what I go through daily unless I make an effort to style it. God forbid the auto rides. This happens
Ok. Exagerration, it’s not that bad also. I just found this comparison hilarious, saw it on the internet somewhere. Not with GIFs though. GIFs add to the hilarity somehow :p
My life is a series of feeling-fat days too. Hence, “I have no clothes!!”
Now, “I have no clothes” does not mean I have no items of clothing in my closet. Duh! It means, “I have no clothes to wear today because my tummy seems to be bloated for some reason I can’t fathom (Oh I have been having pasta since two days), my thighs are acting cute too and my arms are challenging Sunny Deol for arm wrestling. Well, whatever, nevermind.
So, I have parked my ass in front of this machine so that I can google some effective workout challenges to do daily and get back in shape.
Note to self : DO NOT MISS THE GYM
I think I have to be accountable. I have to report somewhere daily. I cannot do that to my weighing scale, I look at it, give it a dirty smile and just walk towards the kitchen. Not-cool-girl.
So, let’s step on that most ignored in the world machine called the weighing scale, today. Snap the current weight and keep doing that at regular intervals to note the progress.
On a serious note, I want to get in shape – not for anybody else but me. I feel happier when I can carry off any outfit with aplomb and not when I try to hide the flab. I am in awe of women who do that with confidence, but I – for the life of me – haven’t been able to do that, so why not lose it? If it makes you feel good, you look good. You radiate how you are feeling. As for me, I feel better when I feel fit. Don’t judge me to be “all about the looks”, no – evil is still evil. But – fitness of the mind, body and soul is of the utmost importance and you just cannot slack on that.
In the end, I just want to confess that I am a nicer person to be around when I am looking nice. Whatever that means now.