I said what I wanted. I am sure we don’t need it right now. But I said what I wanted. And I am happy that I want it.
I hide. I feel safer when I hide myself. Safe in my comfort zone. But over time, it has hit me hard – the comfort zone actually turns out to be one of the most uncomfortable places in the world. So much so that I want to scream at myself sometimes for being unfair, for not letting myself be out there, for dismissing thoughts assuming – who will be even interested? Am I being overbearing? Am I overdoing it? Am I looking flashy? Am I coming across as a show-off? Should I tone it down? Am I offending anybody?
Well, that’s where you go wrong. When they come in the picture. When their notions about you become the priority and the deciding factor. When you stop yourself from expressing yourself because of your own insecurities and assumed ideas about how people would take it. So wrong. It is not your job to wonder what people would think. Your job is just to be you.
Break the box. Stop caring about them. Everybody is meant to shine. Everybody is a diamond. Seek to sparkle and you shall. 😘
Most of the times when we get hurt, we shut off. No way will the world get to know I am hurt. Not because I am strong..but because I am so weak to accept that someone has the power to hurt me, to pinch me, to unintentionally or intentionally hurt my fragile, over sensitive heart.
I say – never give that power to someone. But then, we get close to people. Closer to a few… and closest to one. These are the ones who are most probable to meet that part of you that you hide so well from the world.
“Are you ok?”
“I am fine.”
These people would know you’re not fine. And I still don’t know if that’s a blessing.
For I am a little too arrogant to accept that anyone in the world has the power to hurt me. I am still closed, I am still not ready to accept that love is unconditional. I am still cynical. I am still protecting myself.
But afraid I am fuckin unsafe now.
It’s so easy to get distracted, to deviate from what’s important.. because we don’t really have the balls to face it. Or we are too lazy. But mostly we are escaping, postponing it till we can, till there’s no way out.
I sleep. I read. And I think about swimming… (because I still can’t)
I stand under the pouring water and too many thoughts strike me, hit me hard – I say some out loud… and wonder how did I come to feel like this. When did I get so dark? When did I get so deep? Will my people even understand this…forget relating to it.
Maybe. But probably not. But then, I don’t even know how to express it to my own self. I just have notions.. and I like whatever it is. It’s a blur.. it’s black and white. And it’s gone.
To come back again.
There is a good hair day and there is a bad hair day… and then, there is a FUCKALL hair day and that’s what I go through daily unless I make an effort to style it. God forbid the auto rides. This happens
Ok. Exagerration, it’s not that bad also. I just found this comparison hilarious, saw it on the internet somewhere. Not with GIFs though. GIFs add to the hilarity somehow :p
My life is a series of feeling-fat days too. Hence, “I have no clothes!!”
Now, “I have no clothes” does not mean I have no items of clothing in my closet. Duh! It means, “I have no clothes to wear today because my tummy seems to be bloated for some reason I can’t fathom (Oh I have been having pasta since two days), my thighs are acting cute too and my arms are challenging Sunny Deol for arm wrestling. Well, whatever, nevermind.
So, I have parked my ass in front of this machine so that I can google some effective workout challenges to do daily and get back in shape.
Note to self : DO NOT MISS THE GYM
I think I have to be accountable. I have to report somewhere daily. I cannot do that to my weighing scale, I look at it, give it a dirty smile and just walk towards the kitchen. Not-cool-girl.
So, let’s step on that most ignored in the world machine called the weighing scale, today. Snap the current weight and keep doing that at regular intervals to note the progress.
On a serious note, I want to get in shape – not for anybody else but me. I feel happier when I can carry off any outfit with aplomb and not when I try to hide the flab. I am in awe of women who do that with confidence, but I – for the life of me – haven’t been able to do that, so why not lose it? If it makes you feel good, you look good. You radiate how you are feeling. As for me, I feel better when I feel fit. Don’t judge me to be “all about the looks”, no – evil is still evil. But – fitness of the mind, body and soul is of the utmost importance and you just cannot slack on that.
In the end, I just want to confess that I am a nicer person to be around when I am looking nice. Whatever that means now.
The money situation is funny. I have a shit load of pending edits. I have a few assignments, use one hand’s fingers to count. I am not taking phone calls by prospective clients. Or the “when are you paying the bill?“, calls by the phone company. I feel I have gained a kilo but I am not checking. Actually, I am sure about that! And a close friend recently turned into a hater. I am proudly walking around with a funny haircut. I am not buying any new clothes this winter. I have made a few mistakes this year. I have learnt some lessons the hard way. I have met some selfish fucks.
I am not affected. And I am good with that.
I am living with faith in my heart. I am smiling and that is all that counts. I feel I am in love, with myself and people around. With the ones who admire me, with the ones who dislike me to the core, with the ones who curse me, with the ones who made me smile and now hope I cry….. and with the ones who made me cry and now pray for my smile…